A Letter from Owner to Dog...
Dear Dog:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not just
switch positions so you are still in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note - placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance
is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other
dog's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for
you.
Thank you.