Jan 9, 2015

HUMOUR | The Amazing Kendini's Predictions for 2015

Bravely standing in the face of a frigid winter cold front, Scribbles Psychic The Amazing Kendini blows excessive hot air, as he reveals his predictions for 2015.

The Amazing Kendini, a parody psychic, first appeared in Scribbles in the mid 80’s. At that time, tabloid The National ENQUIRER featured bizarre predictions from world renown psychics, at the beginning of each new year. If it was good enough for the ENQUIRER, it was worth Scribbles Magazine spoofing. 

The Kendini moniker was inspired by a nickname a co-worker at the Old Bank Restaurant had dubbed me....”The Amazing Kendini”. Although our pal Darcy Baker was referring to my waiter and bartending skills, we decided it would also make a good name for our psychic.

When interviewed in 1986 and asked how he came up with his predictions, Kendini told Scribbles, “First I consult the stars. Then I check weather conditions. Research helps too, but mostly I just make things up.”

With that in mind, The Amazing Kendini will now dust off his crystal ball (which looks suspiciously like an old door knob) and tell us what he sees for the months ahead...

She might have a “Blank Space” right now, but pop megastar Taylor Swift will turn heads when she is frequently seen with teen Canadian heartthrob Shawn Mendes.  Swift will co-write a new album for Mendes, call it 1998 –the year Shawn was born, and market it with her #1 album 1989.
A bizarre underwater storm will cause entire continents to shift and relocate. Remarkably, no one will be injured or die, as the storm’s epicenter will be beneath the oceans grounds, causing places like Hawaii and Australia to swift locations. In Canada, Newfoundland will also be effected by the storm, floating toward the U.K. but it will be weeks before the island’s residents realize it.
Apple will reinvent itself again, with the launch of its new iHand product. Similar to an iPhone, users will have a chip implanted in the palm of their hand, turning it into a smartphone.  The iHand will be waterproof, feature a 20 megapixel camera, Bluetooth, wifi and all the apps and functions associated with an iPhone. Accessories will include iHear headphones, where users stick their fingers in their ears to listen to music and videos. Unfortunately, as it is an Apple device, the iHand will not have expandable memory nor will it have a USB port.  

Holographic technology will soar to new heights, bringing an all-star group of deceased singers together in concert. The show will become a huge new attraction in Vegas and will include the combined talents of Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Patsy Cline, Janis Joplin, Freddie Mercury, John Lennon and just added to the tour, Joe Cocker.

Gas will continue to plunge in price, causing concerned oil producers to team up with car companies to create larger, gas-guzzling vehicles. TV character Homer Simpson will be asked to create the prototype for the extra large automobiles, which will be sold for less than $5000. Fully loaded with lots of leg space, the Homer car comes complete with a piece of duct tape to cover the flashing "check engine" light. Millions of the large cars will be sold within days of going on sale. 

A major shake-up will occur with the U.S. TV networks, after FOX and NBC merge into one company. The new network will crossover characters and stars from existing shows which will attract millions of new viewers. The move will infuriate the other two major networks who will join forces and call themselves ABCBS.

Life will imitate art, after a group of angry birds in Renfrew, Ontario will join forces and go into battle against rude pigs. Soon birds around the world will follow suit and pigs will go into hiding, causing an international shortage of pork products, especially bacon. (Stock up now my friend “Queen Bee!”)

A space satellite will travel off course and land on a small planet, never before seen in our solar system. Images from the planet will reveal signs of life, including a town called Whosville and a large elephant named Horton, whom the who’s idolize.

And finally... The crystal ball is shining particularly bright at the moment, must be a big prediction coming.... OK, I see it now.... I see our Scribbles pals and they are all going to have an amazing year. Yes, there will be days when things will be difficult, but the crystal is wise and it sees you being strong at those times. I see many days of happiness and love coming this year for everyone reading this.

 The Amazing Kendini’s crystal ball is starting to fade and has now gone dark. Will Kendini’s predictions become reality, let’s meet back here in 12 months and review :)